Mindfulness and the 90-Second Rule
“Everything can be taken from a human but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Viktor Frankl
In his memoir, Man’s Search for Meaning, Austrian psychologist Viktor Frankl tells how he uses his belief in Logotherapy – that life holds meaning regardless of one’s circumstances – to manage his own emotions after surviving the Holocaust. Frankl’s example shows how someone can overcome even the most traumatic experiences by choosing how to react. That’s emotional self-control, and it’s this week’s topic in our theme of mindfulness.
In just about every conversation I have with caregivers, I find myself saying that we can’t control the emotions or actions of other people. But we can control our emotional response to others and to our situation. When someone or something sets off a negative emotional response from us, it’s because we don’t have control over our impulses, or we don’t know a healthier way to respond.
Whenever we find ourselves in such a situation, it’s important to remember that our actual emotions are very short-lived. That’s the 90-Second Rule. As described by brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens; any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”
Here are some ways to use mindfulness and the 90-Second Rule to regain emotional self-control:
When you begin to feel triggered, look at a clock, and begin to count down 90 seconds. This leads you to observe the emotional response instead of engaging with it.
Take a pause. Inhale, exhale. Notice tension in your body (neck, jaw, hands, shoulders), and actively relax those areas. Inhale and exhale again.
Notice and name your emotion. Notice how you feel it in your body. Reassure yourself that you are safe. Ground yourself in your environment. By taking these actions, you distance yourself from the feelings and become an observer instead of a participant.
According to Psychology Today, “Life’s curveballs will slam you at lightning speed from all angles, from time to time, throwing you off your path. … If you want to thrive in this world, the 90-second rule offers a mindful way to override your hardwired survival reflex of reaction and cope with life’s unexpected events – no matter how dire the circumstances – in a calmer, healthier, more mature way.”
As caregivers, we see a lot of curveballs, and so much is OUT of our control. It’s good to know that when it comes to your response to your own emotions, YOU are the one who is in control!