Turning Difficult Conversations into Productive Ones
“Listening well is one of the most powerful skills you can bring to a difficult conversation.” – from Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
One of the most important life lessons we learn (hopefully at a young age) is that effective communication is the key to any good relationship. It’s also important in our advocacy efforts on behalf of our loved ones and our own needs. Yet, effective communication can be the most delicate of skills. It takes constant practice, and even the best communicators can find ways to improve.
One key to effective communication is to prepare for difficult conversations. At this month’s Book Club meeting, we’ll discuss Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. The book addresses the differences in perceptions, assumptions, and feelings that people take into difficult conversations. It offers tools that make it easier for people in conflict to embrace a mutual purpose, listen open-mindedly, avoid assumptions, and refrain from blaming.
For me, the whole idea of having difficult conversations took some time to get used to. Growing up in my family of origin, we really didn’t have deep conversations, and we were “taught” to avoid them. Only when I became an adult did I learn how to navigate communication on a deeper and more nuanced level. When I became a parent, especially, I had to learn how to reframe the inevitable conflicts as opportunities to strengthen our relationships rather than deepen the conflicts. That applies to my experiences as a caregiver, too.
There are many ways our thoughts and feelings can get in the way of effective communication. We may be concerned about how others perceive us, whether our message is being understood, or whether we are being judged. Communication is also a two-way street, and we must remember that the other person probably has the same concerns and fears that we do.
For help in communicating more effectively, try these three tools:
PRACTICE DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR. It takes two people to have a conversation, so there are always two points of view. Both can be a little “right” and a little “wrong” at the same time. That’s the “dialectical” in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) – which we LOVE.
BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER. Listen to UNDERSTAND before speaking. REFLECT back what you heard. ASK clarifying questions. Be fully PRESENT when communicating, and give the other person your undivided attention. Leave your devices behind, or turn off notifications.
USE "I" MESSAGES. Express YOUR feelings and take responsibility for them. “I feel ___ when you ____.”
As caregivers, we exist in many different communities, from small ones consisting of just us and our loved ones, to larger ones such as our extended families, neighborhoods, or professional communities. Effective communication can strengthen our relationships with all of them, and sometimes, difficult conversations are necessary. Don’t be afraid to have difficult conversations with YOUR communities.