Learning How to Ask
For five years, we’ve been sharing tools, tips, and tricks about the importance of having a support network. This week, I’m focusing on how difficult it is to ASK FOR HELP.
As caregivers, we’d much rather give help than ask for help. There are a lot of reasons why it’s hard for caregivers to ask for help:
Fear ... They may say “NO!”
Burden … I’ll appear needy.
Weakness … The other person will have “power.”
Incompetence … I’m supposed to have it “all” together. I like being self-reliant.
Vulnerability … Asking for help exposes my true feelings and emotions.
For many years, I didn’t want to ask for help. I’d been trained, seemingly since birth, to be independent and take care of myself. It was HARD to ask for help, and I didn’t like it.
It was after my brother’s suicide, when a friend told me, “You’re depriving those who love you from showing you just how much we care about you,” that I finally decided to accept help. It was one of the most beautiful, sincere things anyone has ever said to me.
Years later, when our son was in a life-changing motorcycle accident, I knew exactly what I had to do. I immediately set up a CaringBridge site with hourly, then daily, then eventually weekly updates. CaringBridge makes it easy to ask for help – they have a tab devoted to all the ways you need help and support. My Courage to Caregivers team rallied and supported me at work, and I also let all of YOU in, to allow you to support me, and our family, too. And you showed up in full force, offering prayers, kindnesses, and generosity that exceeded my expectations.
Based on those experiences, here are my 5 tools to make it easier to ask for help:
Decide what you need.
Emotional support – someone to listen or process or provide insight
Physical support – respite care, groceries, a ride, gardening
Practical support – resources or tools
Keep a list. After you determine what you need, keep a running list on your phone or your fridge so that whenever someone asks how they can help, you are ready to share what you need.
Reframe your request. Instead of ASKING for help, reframe it as GIVING someone else the opportunity and privilege of helping you.
Connect. By being vulnerable and letting others IN you are forging a CONNECTION. Start small with micro-moments that lead to authentic deeper connections.
Help others. Make it part of your practice to ask others, “What do YOU need? How can I support you?” It opens the door to an authentic conversation, you'll be a role model, and it will be easier to ASK for help when YOU need it!
As we’ve said many times in the past, having a support network is essential, so you never have to face your challenges alone. And it’s a two-way street. Why not share this email with a friend? Ask how you can support THEM, or ask for something YOU need.