Our Grief May Be Ambiguous, but It’s Real
"The Companioning Model of grief care reminds us that our helping role is not to 'fix what is broken,' but instead to 'nurture what is best.'" ~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt
We all know that caregiving can be complicated. Even our feelings can be ambiguous and hard to understand. This is known as ambiguous loss – a type of grief where a person experiences the loss of someone who is still physically present but emotionally or cognitively absent, such as in situations like dementia, brain injury, or mental illness. If caregivers don’t acknowledge and process this unique grief, it can lead to burnout, emotional exhaustion, and resentment.
I wasn’t aware of this type of grief journey until our son’s accident, leaving him with a traumatic brain injury and permanent brain damage. I have now come to realize that it is a very common form of loss, and many caregivers struggle with it because it lacks closure or clear resolution, making it difficult to fully grieve or heal.
If you’re supporting someone through a complicated grief and loss journey – or supporting yourself – check out Dr. Alan Wolfelt's Companioning Model for grief care. Dr. Wolfelt emphasizes being present and compassionate, rather than focusing on fixing or resolving grief. The Companioning Model focuses on supporting the person as they navigate their own healing process. The goal is to nurture the strengths, resilience, and inner resources that are already within them, helping them find meaning and healing at their own pace. In essence, it’s about being present and offering guidance, not trying to solve or "correct" their pain.
Dr. Wolfelt has also developed a "Self-Companioning Model." In grief care, this model emphasizes the importance of taking care of yourself as a prerequisite to caring for others. It recognizes that caregivers must prioritize their own well-being to effectively support those who are grieving.
3 TOOLS FOR NAVIGATING AMBIGUOUS LOSS:
Reframing & Accepting Uncertainty. Ambiguous loss is emotionally draining because there is no clear "end" or closure. Reframing the situation helps caregivers adjust expectations and find new meaning in their roles. Try to shift your focus from what has been lost to what remains – appreciate small moments of connection. Recognize that grief and love can coexist – it’s okay to feel sadness and gratitude at the same time. Accept that some questions about the future may not have answers, and focus on what can be controlled in the present.
Strengthening Support Networks. Ambiguous loss is isolating, and caregivers need validation, shared experiences, and encouragement. Our Courage to Caregiver support groups are an excellent option to connect with others who understand ambiguous loss. Seek therapy or counseling, especially from professionals familiar with grief, dementia, or chronic illness caregiving. Engage with family and friends who are compassionate listeners, and let them know how they can help instead of withdrawing.
Practicing Self-Compassion & Self-Care. Caregivers often neglect their own needs, leading to burnout. Self-care helps sustain emotional resilience. Set healthy boundaries. It’s okay to take breaks and prioritize personal time. Engage in stress-reducing activities (meditation, journaling, music, or short walks). Give yourself permission to grieve without guilt. Acknowledge emotions without judgment.
By using these tools, caregivers can reduce emotional distress, regain a sense of control, and maintain their own well-being while navigating the complex reality of ambiguous loss. If you’re grieving, or if you’re feeling the effects of ambiguous loss, be gentle with yourself. And remember, you’re NEVER alone.