Expectations, Dreams, and Reality
“Manage expectations, but never lose sight of dreams.” ~ Michelle Obama, Becoming
My understanding of habits and expectations were transformed after reading Gretchen Rubin’s “Better Than Before” about making and breaking habits (SO many great strategies to build self-awareness and establish strategies that work for me). And then I quickly followed with her book ”The Four Tendencies” about understanding how you respond to inner and outer expectations. I’m linking her websites here as Rubin offers loads of resources and tips!
Inner Expectations are goals or standards you set for yourself, driven by personal desires, values, and self-motivation. Outer Expectations are goals or standards set by others, influenced by external demands, societal norms, or obligations.
What I’ve come to learn is that our habits and our expectations are intertwined. “When we try to form a new habit, we set an expectation for ourselves, so understanding our tendency allows us to choose the strategies that will work for us,” Rubin says.
Understanding how you respond to expectations—both your own and those of others—is crucial for many reasons.
Builds Self-Awareness and Emotional Regulation: Recognizing your reactions to expectations helps you understand your triggers, stressors, and motivations. This self-awareness enables you to manage emotions more effectively, reducing anxiety, frustration, or self-doubt.
Prevents Burnout and Feeling Overwhelmed: Unrealistic expectations, whether self-imposed or external, can lead to feelings of failure or inadequacy. Being aware of these dynamics allows you to set healthy boundaries and prevent stress-related behavioral health issues.
Builds Healthy Relationships: Expectations often affect our interactions with others. Understanding your responses helps in managing communication, avoiding misunderstandings, and fostering mutual respect.
Gretchen Rubin has made it easy to discover your “tendency” in responding to expectations. Take this quick and easy quiz, and let me know where you land! I’m an Obliger through and through, with a secondary tendency as Upholder (we always have a bordering secondary tendency). Obligers run with the mantra “you can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.” According to Rubin, “Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations. Of all the Tendencies, Obligers are the biggest group, and the ones whom people count on the most. They put a high value on meeting commitments to others, but may have trouble setting limits and meeting their commitments to themselves.”
Yet, as crucial as it is to manage expectations, let’s keep in mind Michelle Obama’s quote above, which is all about remaining practical and hopeful, grounded in reality and aspirational, strategic and visionary. It’s important that while you’re managing expectations, you never lose sight of YOUR dreams.