A Grain of Truth Is Easy to Miss
“ ‘Yes, and’ reminds us that there are multiple truths and that we, therefore, do not have to simply reject someone when they challenge our assumptions.”
– Toby Sinclair recap from “Both/And Thinking” by Wendy Smith and Marianne Lewis
As we continue to explore this month’s theme of how to develop a growth mindset, we’re finding that some ways of thinking can be beneficial to our progress while other ways of thinking can hold us back. Last week, we discussed how curiosity can help us grow by opening our minds to new ideas and opening ourselves to new connections. This week’s topic is the opposite of curiosity – thinking in extremes can close our minds to the truths that others might see from their perspective, thus inhibiting our growth.
When we think in extremes, it’s an all-or-nothing mindset. It’s either true or false, right or wrong, my way or your way. In reality, most issues are not so clear-cut. The world is complex, diverse, and filled with shades of gray. Though we may find it hard to admit, there’s often a middle ground with a better path, but it’s hidden to us because of our tendency to think in extremes.
Instead of all-or-nothing, try embracing a “both/and” mindset using these three tools:
LOOK FOR BOTH SIDES. There are always at least two sides to every situation. You can be right, and the other person can also be right. Try to see the truth in their position.
NEVER OR SOMETIMES? Notice how often you say “never.” Consider “sometimes” instead.
EMBRACE PARADOX. When our thinking isn’t polarized, we can recognize that sometimes both “yes” and “no” or “true” and “untrue” can be correct.
Additionally, when I feel my mind moving toward the extremes, I’ve found that using the TOM skill from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) can be helpful. TOM stands for “thought, opposite, and middle.” First, you notice your extreme thought. Then, you think of the complete opposite of your thought. And then, you move to a thought in the middle that can be more accurate and productive for the current situation.
For more, check out this source on DBT and dialectics which notes, “Dialectics is the idea that opposing thoughts, emotions, or experiences can co-exist. Two things can be very different or seemingly in conflict with one another, yet can still both have a grain of truth. When we examine dialectics, we look for the truth in all sides and look for how these truths can merge.”
DBT has helped me to be better at listening, seeking to understand, and acknowledging/validating others’ truths. I know that I don’t have to agree with those views, but I can understand them and acknowledge them.
As always, it’s important to notice what’s in YOUR control. If you find yourself thinking in extremes, remember that it doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” Try shifting your thinking to somewhere in the middle, and see the impact it can have on YOUR growth.