Don’t Let Your Inner Critic Shame You
“Empathy is the antidote to shame.” – Brené Brown
This week’s topic deals with two of the most complicated feelings we have, and the way we deal with those feelings can have a great impact on our sense of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-growth. We’re talking about guilt and shame.
Before we go any further, it’s important to know the difference between the two. The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM) states the distinction perfectly: “Shame is feeling bad about yourself as a person – ‘I am bad.’ Guilt is feeling bad about what you did – ‘I did something bad.’ ”
Both shame and guilt are feelings we need to acknowledge. But as Brené Brown put it in her famous TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, guilt is focused on behavior while shame is focused on self. We can feel guilt about something that we did, and we can make amends for it. But the feeling of shame goes deeper into our core and can become a defining belief about ourselves if we don’t recognize it and work to transform it through self-compassion.
So we have two sets of tools to recommend this week. First, on how to let go of guilt from the Council for Relationships:
Embrace self-forgiveness.
Learn from experience: Spaces with guilt can also be spaces with growth. Set goals, and try new things.
Acceptance and forgiveness: Some things cannot change. Practice self-compassion. Release the need for others’ approval or forgiveness.
And from NICABM, here are five tools on how to transform shame through self-compassion:
Understand “The Nature of Shame”: Shame is the brain’s way of dealing with the threat of disconnection.
Label shame: Labeling it can help you put some distance between yourself and the emotion of shame.
Replace judgment with curiosity: Curiosity about your emotions can help you become more caring and understanding about yourself.
Acknowledge your inner critic: Remind your inner critic that you are a work in progress.
Practice what is helpful, not harmful: Treat yourself as you would a friend. Ask yourself what actions would be helpful, and offer yourself constructive correction rather than shaming self-attack.
Brené Brown notes that empathy is the opposite of shame. According to Theresa Wiseman, here are the Four Attributes of Empathy:
To be able to see the world as others see it
To be non-judgmental
To understand another's person's feelings, and
To communicate the understanding of that person’s feelings
Remember, shame thrives in darkness. Exposing our darkest feelings to the light can be the first step toward transforming them into something more productive. Shine the light in YOUR life by practicing empathy towards others and self-compassion towards yourself.