Saying “No” Is a Healthy Practice
“The root of self-care is setting boundaries: it's saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.”
~ Nedra Glover Tawwab, "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself"
Some concepts are so essential to self-care that they keep coming up in our conversations, and this week’s topic is one of them. Ever since we started Courage to Caregivers, we’ve been talking about the importance of setting healthy boundaries. But let’s face it, we can all use a refresher now and then on how to both SET and MAINTAIN healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are a necessary part of being human. We all need our own “space” … to know where we end and another person begins. Boundaries help us maintain control of our time, energy, and emotions, while protecting our values.
But boundaries can be healthy or unhealthy, and it’s important to know the difference. Establishing healthy boundaries allows us to care for ourselves while we also provide our best care for others. Healthy boundaries are an essential part of a growth-oriented relationship, while unhealthy boundaries can lead to emotional distress, dependency, and enabling behavior.
Since this topic is so important for caregivers, we’re always looking for new resources and guidance about it, and I’ve found Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself to be a game-changer. As Tawwab says, “The root of self-care is setting boundaries: It’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.”
And here are five tools taken from Tawwab’s 8 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries:
IDENTIFY: Identify areas where you are exhausted, resentful, or angry. Check in with your core values.
DEFINE BOUNDARY: What do you NOT want to hear, see, or do?
TRUST YOUR INTUITION: “I feel it in my gut.” “Something doesn’t feel quite right.” Intuition tells you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.
SAY NO: Don’t apologize or give long explanations; you will dilute the power of NO. Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt or anxiety.
LET GO OF GUILT: Your “no” may empower the other person to take responsibility or make better choices instead of enabling them to keep doing what they’re doing.
For more, check out Our Caregiver Information Resource Sheet on Boundaries. And I highly recommend that you view our own Jenny Woodworth’s presentation on “Setting Boundaries for Healthy Relationships and Caregiver Self-Care,” for our community alliance partner Families for Depression Awareness.
Setting healthy boundaries is a skill and a tool that can become a practice. By saying “no,” you establish a healthy practice to balance YOUR needs with the needs of others, and then everyone wins!