In the Time It Takes to Read This, You Can Regain Self-Control

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that we can’t control other people or their emotions, feelings, or actions. We can only control OUR responses and what WE do.

The good news is that our bodies are physiologically wired to allow us to do just that … regain our emotional self-control in a relatively short period of time after something happens that sends our feelings out of control. According to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens; any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”

Yet, it often doesn’t feel that way. When something happens, we have to deal with the consequences – to ourselves, our loved ones, and others – and those can last a lot longer than 90 seconds. The point is that we’re better able to respond if we have our emotions under control. Emotional self-control is our ability to manage our emotions and reactions to remain useful in stressful situations. And whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, WE decide whether we want to control our emotions or have our emotions control us.

This is explained very well by Sarah Chauncey in her blog post The Lifespan of an Emotion. “What keeps emotions lingering are the stories we tell ourselves about them,” she says. “And when we’re used to feeling bad (sad, angry, anxious, shame), the neural pathways that correspond to those emotions become strengthened, like a brain superhighway. So it becomes easier for those emotions – and therefore the stories associated with them – to become triggered.”

In our role as caregivers, so much is out of our control that it should be comforting to know that this is one area that we CAN control. Yet, I know it’s hard, and like everything related to self-care, it takes practice. Maybe our 7 C’s can help: I didn’t cause it. I can't cure it. I can't control it. I can't change it. Yet, I can have courage and compassion, and I can cope.

And check out this blog for five ways to improve emotional self-control: by applying logic, noticing, using technology (but putting your phone away), and taking a time out.

As Dr. Taylor says, “Peace is only a thought away.” No one can make you feel or behave in a certain way. Aren’t you glad that YOU are in control?