Healthy Communication, Healthy Relationships
“Assertiveness is your ability to act in harmony with
your self-esteem without hurting others.” – Unknown
When I think of strong communication skills, I think of my experience with dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT, which is all about seeing BOTH perspectives in any scenario – definitely something everyone should master. DBT focuses on four main skills: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. Here’s an article about interpersonal effectiveness skills and the different communication styles.
This fits right in with our topic for this week: assertiveness. Being assertive doesn’t mean being confrontational. It means expressing your needs directly and specifically while respecting the thoughts and wishes of others. People who are assertive are able to communicate their wants and needs both clearly and respectfully, which requires both self-esteem and empathy.
Assertive people typically have fewer anxious thoughts when they’re stressed; they’re firm without being rude; they react to emotions without becoming passive or aggressive; they defend their points of view without resorting to personal attacks; and they’re open to compliments as well as constructive criticism.
One skill that can help you be assertive is fair fighting. When we are able to state a position or share a point of view directly and calmly, we create an atmosphere of civil discussion rather than confrontation. Rules of fair fighting include:
Identify exactly why you feel upset.
Discuss one issue at a time, and stay on topic until that topic is resolved.
Avoid degrading language.
Use “I” language to express your feelings, and take responsibility for them.
Take turns talking.
No yelling.
Don’t walk away or retreat into your shell.
Recognize stressors, such as hunger or tiredness, that may be contributing to how you feel.
Listen actively.
Recognize that when fighting with a loved one, the case is often: “What’s important to you is important to me.”
Having empathy is also important. Here’s an article about empathy at work that can also be beneficial in all of the other relationships in your life. Using empathy allows you to consider the other person’s feelings as you assert your own position.
Everyone benefits when we are assertive, as long as we do it in a non-confrontational and empathetic way. When we are able to communicate our wants and needs with confidence, it naturally increases our self-esteem, and that’s a big part of self-care.