To Achieve Your Goals, First Examine Your Expectations
In our conversations with caregivers, expectations come up all the time. Most of them have something to do with our loved ones, and many can be classified as “stealth expectations,” which we may not even realize that we have, even though they do exist. Such expectations can be harmful – to ourselves, our growth, and those around us – so this week, we’re discussing how to manage expectations.
Many of our expectations exist outside our awareness. For example, when we come home from a long, hard day, we may subconsciously expect that our partner has cleaned the house or cooked dinner, and then we are disappointed if it hasn’t been done. Stealth expectations usually reflect a disconnect in communication, and they can lead to frustration, anger, and resentment.
Expectations of ourselves also can be harmful, especially if they are not realistic or connected to our goals. Being aware of our expectations of ourselves and others can help us understand each other and communicate better. Understanding how we respond to expectations will help us act more effectively to achieve our goals and create habits that work better for us.
Here are three tools for setting realistic expectations:
DO A REALITY CHECK. Measure the expectation against reality. Explore how likely your ideals are for the situation. Is this the first time we have tried this? Have I ever been here before? Is my timeline ideal to get this done?
LEARN TO LET GO. Practice letting go of expectations when faced with new situations, tasks, or working with new people, so you can be sure that you’re giving every opportunity a fair chance.
PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION. Remember, most things worth accomplishing take time. If the timeline doesn’t go the way you expected, that doesn’t mean you failed. If we account for setbacks, delays, or mistakes, we are practicing self-compassion. Don’t give up if things don’t go right the first time or even the second time around.
Our January book club pick, Gretchen Rubin’s The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too), discusses how we respond to expectations of ourselves and others. Gretchen’s Four Tendencies Quiz can help you discover whether you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel and learn how you respond to expectations. You can join us for a discussion of the book on Friday, January 26, at 12 pm ET via Zoom.
When you examine your strongest feelings and emotions, my guess is that they’re tied to an expectation of some kind. What are YOUR stealth expectations? Just NOTICING them and bringing them to the level of consciousness is a great first step.