Sometimes, You Have to Close Your Window

This week’s topic requires courage, self-awareness, and an understanding of the difference between healthy and unhealthy behaviors. Sounds like a lot, I know, but setting healthy boundaries is so important to having strong relationships and personal growth that it’s well worth the effort.

First, we have to understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are an essential part of any growth-oriented relationship, while unhealthy boundaries can lead to emotional distress, dependency, and enabling behavior. This is especially true in the relationship between a caregiver and a loved one. It isn’t easy to know where and when to set boundaries – how to say “no” and mean it. But if our boundaries are healthy ones and we set them for the right reasons, they show that we have “the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others,” as Brené Brown says.

HEALTHY boundaries reflect high self-esteem, self-respect, and commitment to personal responsibility. We provide personal information in appropriate amounts at the right times and to the right people. We share responsibility and power with others. We can assertively say “no” as well as accepting “no” from others. And we recognize that our needs, feelings, thoughts, and desires are separate from those of others.

UNHEALTHY boundaries might involve sharing too much, too soon, or not sharing at all; feeling that the happiness of others is our responsibility; having a weak sense of our own identity; being unable to identify or express our needs; letting fear of abandonment or rejection induce us to say “yes” when we should say “no;” and allowing others to make decisions for us.

A personal boundary is like an invisible wall, fence, or window, protecting you on the inside as well as those on the outside. It’s also important to remember that boundaries can change over time and are unique to each person. Your boundaries may not be the same as mine.

So how do you know when to open your personal “window” and when to keep it closed? Here are five tips for setting your own healthy boundaries:

• Know your limits – Determine what is acceptable and what is not, in advance.

• Know your values – What things are most important to you?

• Notice – What are your feelings and emotions telling you?

• Respect yourself and others – Are you giving yourself as much respect as you give others? Listen and seek to understand what is fair for all, including you.

• Take the long view – Some days, you may give more than you take; other days, you may take more than you give. By looking at the big picture, you may see that it all evens out.

Healthy boundaries are essential in helping us maintain our strong self-esteem and self-worth. When YOU set the line, and hold the line, others will respect you for it.