Accept Reality, Not Illusions

“Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.” – Marsha M. Linehan

This month, we begin a new theme of “My Place in the World,” and this week’s topic of letting go/surrender can be a difficult one for many people. I know it is for me. After many struggles, I now prefer to think in terms of “let it be.”

At first glance, this idea of letting go or surrendering might seem to contradict what we’re all about at Courage to Caregivers. We’re all about making progress, empowerment, and not giving up, right? Well, of course we are.

But the type of surrender we’re talking about can actually lead to greater empowerment. When we refuse to live under an illusion – when we recognize that there are some things we just can’t control, and there is no point in trying to fight a battle that we can’t win – we allow ourselves to move on to other things in life, where we CAN make progress, and where our strengths and abilities CAN make a difference.

Think of it as radical acceptance, a basic concept of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha M. Linehan. I’m a huge fan of DBT, which incorporates both mindfulness and acceptance. Radical acceptance is an OPPORTUNITY, and yes, it is something that we CAN control. It allows us to choose to accept everything that life throws at us AND to choose not to let suffering control US.

It takes great strength to surrender. It also takes great insight. You have to know your abilities and understand what you can and cannot accomplish. If we are attached to certain expectations or outcomes that, deep inside, we know are not achievable, we have to break free from those attachments. It’s hard and exhausting, but once we gain this radical acceptance, we may end up somewhere even better than where we were trying to go in the first place.

Achieving radical acceptance can be broken down into these five steps:

1.     NOTICE: How are you fighting or questioning reality?

2.     REALITY: It IS as it IS.

3.     REASON: This is how things happen.

4.     PRACTICE: Practice acceptance with your whole self through accepting self-talk and mindfulness.

5.     MAKE SPACE: Allow yourself to feel disappointment, sadness, and grief, but don’t allow those feelings to turn into prolonged suffering.

Most importantly, radical acceptance is a journey. You can start small just by taking the first step of NOTICING. Then, close your eyes, and take a good, long, deep, belly breath. Feel the freedom that YOU choose to feel … and let it be.